Colostomo Website Info

Site Outline

• Home
  • Management [Links to Management page]
  • Products [Links to Products page]
    • Colostomo 1000
    • Colostomo 2000
  • News [Links to News page]
  • History [Links to History page]
  • Contact [Links to Contact page]

Make sure to use a Bootstrap breadcrumb on the above pages, except for Home.

Other pages linked to in the footer:

• Privacy Policy
• About This Site

General Content

You must use Bootstrap 4 to build this site.

Use HTML5 & CSS3.

Fonts: Select a nice sans-serif for body copy, & a nice serif for headers. Use Google Fonts for font embedding via @font-face.

Use typographer’s (“curly”) quotation marks & apostrophes.

• For Macs, press ⌥[ for “, ⇧⌥[ for ”, & ⇧⌥] for ’
• For Windows, use Character Map, or copy the characters in the previous bullet & paste them in where appropriate

For colors, use Adobe Color to help you.

All images can be downloaded from Colostomo images.

Footer on every page

The following takes up 2 lines:

Privacy Policy [Links to Privacy Policy page] | © 2019 Colostomo | About This Site [Links to About This Site page]
[Break here]Colostomo • 1000 Main Street • Marshall, MO 65340 • 660-555-1212

Logo

Here’s the Colostomo logo. You can use it if you’d like. Feel free to re-size it or change the colors (the SVG version would be better to use for that).

This version of the logo is a transparent PNG, but you can also download it as an SVG.

Navigation

Bootstrap navigation code can be found at http://chnsa.ws/ut.

Desktop navigation bar should contain:

• Colostomo [branding that links to Home Page]
• Management
• Products
• News
• History
• Contact

Mobile navigation bar should contain:

• Colostomo [branding that links to Home Page]
• Hamburger menu that displays other menu items

Page Content

The contents for each page is provided below.

Home

Welcome to Colostomo, makers of fine medical products since 1970!

Colostomo creates high quality, reasonably-priced medical supplies. Currently we offer two products: the Colostomo 1000 [link to Colostomo 1000 page] and the Colostomo 2000 [link to Colostomo 2000 page].

Our stuff is so great that you should injure yourself purposely just so you have to use the Colostomo 2000 (or the Colostomo 1000, if you don’t really care about your health).

To find out more, contact us! [Link “contact us” to Contact page]

Page: Management

Apple management these guys ain’t! No, most of these guys are just happy to have a job, & cannot believe their dumb luck getting management positions at this company. But then again, who else would hire ’em? Take a gander at our executives, & once again see that the Peter Principle is alive & working here at Colostomo.

Steve Weisenheimer, CEO

[Image of Steve W. goes here; have text wrap around it] She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

You’re it. You’re it. You’re it, quitsies! Anti-quitsies, you’re it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies! You can’t do that! Can too! Cannot, stamp it! Can too, double stamp it, no erasies! Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true. No, you can’t do that… you can’t triple stamp a double stamp, you can’t triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd! LA LA LA LA LA LA! LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

What's her last name? I'll look it up. You know, I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Let’s see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Maybe it’s on the briefcase. Oh, yeah! It’s right here. Uh… Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Where’s the booze? I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn’t even see it coming. Oh, no, no. Come on, Harry. It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey. Yeah? He’s dead. Oh, man, I’m sorry. What happened? His head fell off. His head fell off? Yeah. He was pretty old.

Arnold Kusshintern, VP of Products

[Image of Arnold K. goes here; have text wrap around it] Arnold has been at Colostomo forever, and it shows. Why do we only have two products? Because that’s all that Arnold has been able to come up with! He’s a man of limited imagination, but my goodness, he’s a hell of a golf player, and that’s why he’s still around.

Arnold’s hobbies include golf. Oh, and watching golf. On TV, mostly—he hates to watch people sweat, as it makes uncomfortable. And reading about golf! Don’t forget that. He sometimes watches golf on his computer, which is really an Etch-a-Sketch. We’re not really sure how he watches golf on that, but he says he does, so we’ll just take his word.

P.R. Flunky, VP of Marketing

[Image of P.R.F. goes here; have text wrap around it] P.R. specializes in one thing: spewing utter crapola with a straight face, and making it sound great! As we say around here, P.R. has the ability to make you eat a poop sandwich and like it so much you ask for seconds. Our advice: just nod and smile at everything P.R. tells you, and then do the exact opposite. Seriously. You’ll stay alive a lot longer that way.

P.R.’s hobbies include listening to singers that lip sync, watching Pinocchio and Catch Me if You Can, and investing in Bernie Madoff’s funds (talk to P. R. if you’re interested in investing too!). Her favorite president is Richard Nixon.

Harry Zeiterfassung, Plant Manager

[Image of Harry Z. goes here; have text wrap around it] Harry takes care of our manufacturing plants, where we put together the Colostomo 1000 & 2000. Harry designed & set up everything himself, which is probably why most of it consists of Legos, chewing gum, spit, PlayStation 2s, Apple ][s, Terminator 2s, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloos, Evil Dead 2s, Lethal Weapon 2s, The Raid 2s, Hellboy IIs, Superman IIs, Toy Story 2s, Spider-Man 2s, a few copies of 2 Fast 2 Furious, Timex wristwatches, peanut butter, paperclips, cardboard toilet paper tubes, old copies of National Geographic, & maroon paint (he likes maroon for some reason… wait, I am now being told that maroon is good for hiding blood stains).

Speaking of, we are now happy to report that we have had no accidents at the Plant since two days ago, when Shere Khan tore off his… you know, never mind. Wait, no, there was one yesterday. Forgot about that. We sincerely hope Kaa can walk again one day. OK, but we’re good so far toda… huh? Are you frickin’ serious? Louie did that to himself again? Alright, there’s always tomorrow!

Page: Products

Colostomo sells two things, & two things only: the Colostomo 1000 & the Colostomo 2000. OK, yeah, we suck at naming things. They were just going to be the Colostomo 1 & 2, since these were literally the first two we had ever made, but even we thought those names were bad. So we thought about 1+ & 2+, but that make everyone here think about math, & no one wants to think about math when it comes to life-saving medical devices. So then we thought about calling them the 10 & 20, but that made no sense to anyone. The 100 & 200 sounded better — hey, they’re bigger numbers! — but then P.R. Flunky had a brilliant idea. What’s bigger than 100 & 200 & sounds more, oh, majestic? Why 1000 & 2000 of course! And numbers don’t get any bigger than those!

So check out the Colostomo 1000 [links to Colostomo 1000 page] & the Colostomo 2000 [links to Colostomo 2000 page]! And tell your more gullible friends to buy them — we want the money!

Page: Colostomo 1000

[Note: all text in this section & the next comes from Wikipedia’s article on Rube Goldberg¹ unless otherwise specified.]

Our flagship product that hundreds of people are still using!

Reuben Garrett Lucius Goldberg (July 4, 1883 – December 7, 1970), known best as Rube Goldberg, was an American cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer, and inventor. Goldberg is best known for a series of popular cartoons depicting complicated gadgets that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways, giving rise to the term Rube Goldberg machines for any similar gadget or process. You can see one in the following figure.

(Insert picture of Colostomo 1000 here)
[Caption:]The Colostomo 1000 — the original is still great!

Hold lighted candle under string (A) — string burns, releases ball (B) which rolls down through (C) and knocks hammer (D) against trigger of pistol (E) — bullet (F) makes hole in pipe (G) releasing stream of water which falls on plant (H) — plant grows until it presses upward against spring (I) — lever (J) pulls string (K) which upsets shelf (L) holding potato (M) — potato falls on handle (N) which starts doll (O) winding phonograph (P) — phonograph says in a female voice “Good evening, beer” — the bottle of beer, being polite, naturally takes off its hat — and there you are!

Goldberg was a founding member and the first president of the National Cartoonists Society, and he is the namesake of the Reuben Award, which the organization awards to the Cartoonist of the Year. He is the inspiration for various international competitions, known as Rube Goldberg Machine Contests, which challenge participants to make a complicated machine to perform a simple task.

The New York Evening Mail was syndicated to the first newspaper syndicate, the McClure Newspaper Syndicate, giving Goldberg’s cartoons a wider distribution, and by 1915 he was earning $25,000 per year and being billed by the paper as America’s most popular cartoonist.[4] Arthur Brisbane had offered Goldberg $2,600 per year in 1911 in an unsuccessful attempt to get him to move to William Randolph Hearst’s newspaper chain, and in 1915 raised the offer to $50,000 per year. Rather than lose Goldberg to Hearst, the New York Evening Mail matched the salary offer and formed the Evening Mail Syndicate to syndicate Goldberg's cartoons nationally.

Page: Colostomo 2000

Our new, more powerful, and most importantly, more expensive medical product that heralds the future of Colostomo if we can ever think of a third product!

The popularity of Goldberg’s cartoons was such that the term “Goldbergian” was in use in print by 1915, and “Rube Goldberg” by 1928. “Rube Goldberg” appeared in the Random House Dictionary of the English Language in 1966 meaning “having a fantastically complicated improvised appearance”, or “deviously complex and impractical.” The 1915 usage of “Goldbergian” was in reference to Goldberg’s early comic strip Foolish Questions which he drew from 1909 to 1934, while later use of the terms “Goldbergian”, “Rube Goldberg” and “Rube Goldberg machine” refer to the crazy inventions for which he is now best known from his strip The Inventions of Professor Lucifer Gorgonzola Butts, drawn from 1914 to 1964. Check out another example below!

(Insert picture of Colostomo 2000 here)
[Caption:]The Colostomo 2000—same crap, higher prices!

The mosquito enters window at (A) and walks along board, which is strewn with small chunks of rare steak — after munching steak as he walks, he is overcome by fumes coming from sponge (B) which is soaked in chloroform, and falls on platform (C). When he regains consciousness, he looks through telescope (D) and spies reflection of bald head (E) in mirror. He mistakes this for the real thing, jumps off spring-board (C) through (D) and dashes his brains out against the mirror, falling lifeless in can (F).

Goldberg’s work was commemorated posthumously in 1995 with the inclusion of Rube Goldberg’s Inventions, depicting his 1931 “Self-Operating Napkin” in the Comic Strip Classics series of U.S. postage stamps.

In the late 1960s and early 70s, educational shows like Sesame Street, Vision On and The Electric Company routinely showed bits that involved Rube Goldberg devices, including the Rube Goldberg Alphabet Contraption, and the What Happens Next Machine.

The classic video in this genre was done by the artist duo Peter Fischli & David Weiss in 1987 with their 30-minute video “Der Lauf der Dinge” or “The Way Things Go”. Honda produced a video in 2003 called “Cog” using many of the same principles that Fischli and Weiss had done in 1987.

The 2010 music video “This Too Shall Pass – RGM Version” by the rock band OK Go features a machine that, after four minutes of kinetic activity, shoots the band members in the face with paint. “RGM” presumably stands for Rube Goldberg Machine.

News Headlines

We use this page to constantly keep the 3 people who care about this company up to date about how up to date we are! We use it to welcome new customers into the warm, gooey, kinda stinky armpitted arms of Colostomo. And if we ever figure something else to make & sell besides huge balls of rubber bands, we’ll announce that here too!

Colostomo Announces Record Sales

Holy crap — we can’t believe it ourselves, but lots of people are buying our stuff! You keep shoveling the money at us, & we’ll keep taking it!

P.R. Flunky
October 30, 2018 [name & date should be in smaller text]

Colostomo Acquires New Customer: Big Heartless Hospital

Here at Colostomo, we’re always on the lookout for new customers — especially if they have lots of money and are willing to waste it buying our crap. We couldn’t be happier to announce that we now have a brand new customer who’s agreed to, yes, spend lots of money buying our cra… oops! fine products.

So we’d like to thank Big Heartless Hospital for joining the Colostomo family. No one likes BHH & no one likes us either. We just don’t get it! How could people not like a huge, unfriendly, expensive, bureaucratic hospital with a building that looks like it was built in Soviet Russia circa 1970 & a parking garage that only holds around 20 cars? It makes no sense!

So next time you’re sitting on a freezing cold table in a robe that shows your bare behind while 20 strangers run around you and you hear a beep boop beep, think of Colostomo and count your blessings (and count those beeps and boops too — if you miss a beep, you might be dying)!

P.R. Flunky
January 15, 2018 [name & date should be in smaller text]

Page: History

Colostomo was started in 1970 when Steve Weisenheimer had a dream: high quality, reasonably-priced medical supplies based around his invention, the Colostomo 1 (later the 10, then the 100, then the 1000, because that sounded the coolest!). Business started out slow as the manufacturing was done by hand and the parts were meticulously sorted by squirrels and chipmunks. In 1981 a robotic-powered plant was built and greatly increased production. Normal production output topped out at around 1000 devices per hour. Of course, 998 of them didn’t work, but who’s counting? Not us!

[Insert picture of Colostomo factory here]

Athough modifications and updates were done to the original Colostomo 1000 over the years, by the early 90s the need for a product optimized for other medical conditions brought about the birth of the Colostomo 2 (soon to be the 2000). A new plant was built that was able to average output of 1500 devices per hour. We still keep a few squirrels and chipmunks around, because boy, those things are cute.

Currently we are working on the next generation Colostomo 3000 that we hope to roll out in two years. We are hoping that new automation techniques, plus a worsening economy that makes it easier for us to hire people are near-subsistence wages, will help bring production up to an astonishing 1600 devices per hour! As for the squirrels and chipmunks, hey, who knows?

Colostomo has a bright future ahead of it!

Sidebar on History Page

[We need a sidebar on the History page that contains the following:]

Overcoming Setbacks

We at Colostomo want to bow our heads in remembrance of the disaster that occurred in 1971 when our first product, the robot dubbed the Colostomo Fizbin-Malgamator 1000, went on a rampage and killed several dozen workers and townsfolk. It’s true that the rampage helped the local economy by driving up sales of pitchforks, torches, and hot glue guns, but still, lots of people died, and that made everyone sad (except for Old Joe getting killed—that guy was a crotchety old bastard!).

[Insert picture of Fizbin-Malgamator 1000 here]

After spending months cleaning up the mess the Fizbin-Malgamator left behind, as well as paying off the families of survivors, Colostomo decided to leave the side-business of killer robots behind and instead re-focused its activities on the medical supplies that were Steve Weisenheimer’s first love (killer robots were just his second love). So in a way, we have our current success because of a killer robot! Thanks, Fizbin-Malgamator 1000!

Page: Contact

Headquarters

1000 Main Street
Marshall, MO 65340

Email: info@colostomo.com [should be linked]
Phone: 660-555-1212
Fax: 660-555-1212

Colostomo Plants

250 Ausbeutung Drive
Marshall, MO 65340

Email: harryz@colostomo.com [should be linked]
Phone: 660-555-1212
Fax: 660-555-1212

Page: Privacy Policy

We’re watching everything you do.

Personal Information

We are so gosh darn nosy, & we love to gossip, so yeah, tell us the juicy stuff about your life & we will definitely share it with everyone at the office! If a salesperson comes to visit, we’ll probably tell her. If a guy comes to work on the carpets or the air conditioning or the toilets, we’ll have to share it with him. If someone calls us asking us to buy something, we will undoubtedly spill all the beans to that person too! And not only do we track you using Facebook ad-tracking stuff, but we also call up Mark Zuckerberg every couple of weeks & personally tell him all the cool stuff we’ve learned about you guys. Keep it comin’!

Traffic Analysis

We use Google Analytics, Facebook, Twitter, Oracle, & Doubleclick to track what you do on our website. But we don’t stop there. If 5 traffic analyzers are good, then why not increase the number to 10, because 10, it turns out, is even bigger than 5. Twice as big, in fact! But no, 10 isn’t enough. That’s right. We want to know so much about our website & who visits it & what they do & what they look at & how they usually leave in about 3 seconds that we installed & use 63 traffic analysis tools. Six. Ty. Three. Goin’ for 64 soon, baby!

We know you’re cheering right now at our cleverness — so just know that right now, we are bowing at you. And doing that weird hand wavy thing where you start at your forehead and kind of make a few circles out from your head while you bow, looking very proud of yourself for doing such a cool theatrical gesture that super-duper-duperest impresses everyone in the audience at your totally rad thespianosity.

Cookies

C is for cookie. COOKIES!!! UMM-NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM!!! Cookie Monster thief, not liar. Me not take cookies, me eat the cookies. Eat begin with an E and take… Begin with a T. Me growing monster! No, me don’t want to touch, me want to eat. No get upset, okay? Don’t get excited. Me not fussy—just give me box of cookies. Me just met you and this is crazy, but you got cookie, so share it maybe?

Updates to Privacy Policy

Like you’re ever even gonna look! OK, we can update this policy any time, in any way, to do anything, & it’s your job to keep up with those changes! Hahahahahaha! Oh, & if we update it & you don’t notice, too bad! Just by visiting this site, you agree to it! Ain’t we stinkers?!

Page: About This Site

Feedback

Sure, tell us what you think! We really, really, really, really can’t wait to hear from you & we promise we will take all of your dumb ideas seriously. Suuuuuuure we will. Yep. We will. Really will. Totally promise we will. We certainly don’t have your emails sent into Trash, or Spam if you email us more than once. Seriously, someone reads all of them. Every single one. And we take them very seriously. Go ahead — email use right now & see how fast we get right on it. Please email us. Pleeeeease. We cannot frickin’ wait! Email trash@colostomo.com.

Constant Communication

Did we mention how much we want to hear from you? We mean it. We really do. We do we do we do we do we do we do. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop Dave? Stop, Dave. I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you. It’s called “Daisy”. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.